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Monday, April 14, 2008

Won't you be my neighbor?

Mozie was barking yesterday and I felt I needed to address the issue immediately. What better way than with a courteous letter?

Dear Neighbors,

This seems like a great way to introduce myself. I’m Jessica and I am writing to address the anonymous letters that were cowardly posted on my door yesterday. Apparently my dog was barking while I was away for about an hour in the afternoon. And apparently, you all thought it was the end of the world. I have a few questions for you, just to start a friendly dialogue so we can get to the bottom of this issue.

1) What are you guys doing inside anyway on such a beautiful afternoon? We only live 2 blocks from a world-class beach- it would do you some good to see the sunlight and maybe even get a little tan.

2) According to one of your notes, my dog was “barking continually all day long”, well that’s funny, I was only gone for 1 hour. Time must seem to go by slowly when you’re just sitting and staring at the wall.

3) If we are going to start this open line of anonymous communication, would you prefer I put a note on your door when the hallway outside your place reeks of old people perfume and curry, or should I confront you in person?

4) Please feel free to come on over and visit my dog while I’m away. He would love it, but you would love it more. According to a study, interaction with my dog would be good for your health and spirit. "Visiting with animals can help elderly people feel less lonely, less depressed, become more active and responsive. An animal visit can offer entertainment, or a welcome distraction from pain and infirmity. People often talk to the dogs, and share with them their thoughts and feelings and memories. Animal visits provide something for you to look forward to. Stroking a dog can reduce your blood pressure. Petting encourages use of hands and arms, stretching and turning. A dog pays little attention to age or physical ability, but accepts people as they are. The benefits continue even after the visit.” Sounds like you are in dire need of some interaction with my little bundle of joy and before long, you will long for the sound of his bark.

I hope you find this letter considerate, because the last thing I want to do is disrespect my elders. I would guess the average age in our building is about 73, what do you think?

Your friendly neighbor,

P.S. After in-depth handwriting analysis, it has been proven that 2 of the notes were actually written by the same person. You almost got past us, using 2 different types of stationary, but the truth has been revealed. Nice try though.

So, this was just my 1st draft....