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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My letter to Conan's brother... Part 2


Hello again, Mr. O'Brien. I have yet to hear from you regarding my last letter. Since then, I've been reminded of a few more issues that I needed to address...you know, while we're putting everything out in the open.
First off, not to get too personal, but is it necessary to use the restroom 3 times per night? At first I just figured you must have eaten something bad while at a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant with a 'C' rating in the window, but no, this has been an ongoing issue for the past 2 months! Mr. O'Brien, I don't want to mother you, but you may want to get this issue checked out by a professional.
This next complaint should speak for itself- would you mind sitting down while peeing?!?!
And one last thing- I do not have to wake up until 8:15, so I feel it is unfair that you wake me up everything morning at 5:00 AM. We are not married so you should not be forcing your erratic sleep schedule on me. And it's not just that you wake me up and I quickly doze back off--- no, you keep me up for hours with your aimless wanderings and pacings around your apartment! It's absolutely bizarre human behavior and I would love to get you on some meds to put you to sleep for longer than a 2 hour period at a time. Have you ever even experienced R.E.M? I'm talking about sleep, not the band, by the way.

The offer from my last letter is still good-- if you are Conan O'Brien's brother and you can get me a slot to perform on his show, I will consider putting up with you. Otherwise, this means war.
Best regards always,
Jessica