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Monday, May 12, 2008

My letter to Conan's brother...

My Dear Neighbor Upstairs,

I don't believe we've had a formal introduction. I've only seen your name on the mailbox next to mine, so all I know about you is that you are an Irish male. O'Brien huh? Any relation to Conan? Wait, don't answer that just yet...I have a few more important questions to ask you first.

I've been trying to figure you out Mr. O'Brien. Are you extremely obese? Are you extremely obese with a wooden leg? Are you extremely obese with two wooden legs? If so, that would explain why you constantly sound like you're going to break through the roof and fall into my apartment. The thought of this makes me worried about my well-being, as well as my poor little dog who would have no chance of survival if you landed on him.

If you are not an obese pirate, Mr. O'Brien, perhaps you are an animal trainer whose current project is teaching an elephant how to salsa dance? I'm sure this is quite a sight, but please bring the Elephant back to Africa and set him free. Besides, life in Kenya will be tougher for him when all the other elephants see him salsa-ing and assume he's gay...

If you are not training Dumbo upstairs, then perhaps you are one of the circus clowns who use a pogo stick to get around? Have you forgotten how to walk and hopping is the only way you can move? Are you at least wearing a helmet, Mr. O'Brien?

If you are not a po-go freak, then all I can figure is you are a cross-dressing track star. I can hear you sprinting and doing hurdles over your couch in your 6 inch cherry-red stiletto heels. Your secret fetish is out now!

So, which one is it, Mr. O'Brien? Who are you???

If you are Conan O'Brien's brother, please get me a musical guest segment on his show and all will be quickly forgotten. If you are not Conan's brother, please fill me in so I can better understand and cope with this daily burden you are inflicting upon me.

Best regards,