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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Did I win?

I get nervous at raffles. Not excited. Nervous. Nervous that I might win and have to go up on the stage and do some lame, embarrassing happy dance and act all ecstatic for a prize that isn't worth humiliating myself for in front of hundreds of people.

I was at a conference this past weekend and they were raffling off many items. A funky belly-bag purse that I would never ever use or even think of re-gifting to my worst enemy. A basket of rose-smelling bath soaps that would most certainly leave me with a migraine headache. A free car wash performed by a junior high football team who are guaranteed to leave your car looking worse than when you drove up. A one hour massage from a random, strange man who comes to your house and makes you feel extremely uncomfortable.
I hold my breath as they read off the names. Any name that starts with a J makes me nervous. People start claiming their prizes, screeching and on the brink of tears. Is that bar of soap that you just won really something to nearly pass out over? Breathe people. Breathe. It looked like a scene from Oprah's Favorite Things episode. (I would love to go to Oprah's Favorite Things and be the only person in the audience that stays seated and looks all serious and depressed while she's giving away refrigerators and expensive face moisturizer and cashmere bathrobes. I would be the only still, somber person and every other audience member would be on the verge of a panicky breakdown, leaping into the sky with joy, with paramedics standing by.)
My family was on a cruise and although I swore I'd never admit it, my brother and I were playing Bingo and kind of enjoying it. We even ended up winning. Yes ma'am, we beat out the entire room of senior citizens in straw hats and Hawaiian print in the game they usually excel at. Looking down at our Bingo card, my brother and I whispered to each other "We have Bingo!" and neither of us wanted to yell it out. "We have bingo! Say it!". "No, you say it!". "I'm not saying it!", we argued back and forth. Stressful. Finally my grandpa, quite disappointed in us, went up to claim the prize. And yes, we paid him a small collection fee from our winnings.
Don't get me wrong, I would do a happy dance, in fact I'd eagerly bust out a full 5 minute dance routine, for a Chanel purse, for a cruise through Europe, for a cameo on my favorite TV show, or for a brand new Bentley. I would probably break dance and spin on my head and do flips (ok, somersaults!) and Riverdance up on stage if I won any of these items. But I'm definitely not going to pull a muscle for bath salts or an awkward back rub from a stranger.