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Friday, October 17, 2008

My Apartment History Lesson

I pay too much in rent. I guess I'm somewhat at fault because I opted out of the sketchy ghetto and chose to live in Santa Monica, in an apartment 4 blocks from the ocean, one street away from multi-million dollar homes, in a wonderland that's 75 degrees every day of the year. I suppose that I could have saved money by holding auditions and finding a random roommate on the Internet, but 9.9 out of 10 times those random roommate stories end in tears and a restraining order. Besides, I don't want a stranger putting a damper on my home life.

Last night I ran into my neighbor (yes, the neighbor who lives in the apartment above me and holds dance recitals at all hours of the night. Aside from his obnoxious dance routines, his waking up at 5 AM on the dot every single morning thus waking me up at 5 AM on the dot every single morning, and his use of the restroom and garbage disposal at least three times per night, he seems to be a decent guy). As I was standing there thinking that he would be fairly good candidate for a husband if he were about 17 years younger, he was filling me in on the history of the apartment building that we live in. I actually learned a few things that make my building a little more hip. Prior to my apartment history lesson, the only hip thing I was aware of going on in my building was hip surgery.
I learned that Mel Gibson lived in the apartment above my garage in the mid 1980s. He had a house back home in Australia and needed a place to stay while filming Tequila Sunrise in LA. After finding out this fun fact, I've been anxiously waiting to receive a random 'Return to Sender' piece of Mel's mail. I'm crossing my fingers that it's something interesting like a love letter of sorts, and I've decided that if the content is juicy enough and the money is there, I will happily sell off the letter to a tabloid.
Fun fact #2 is that my other neighbor (who calls me "Jennifer" and Mozie "Rosie") houses a miniature (and illegal!) pet bangle tiger in his apartment. I also learned that he used to be John Denver's personal chauffeur, and he has a son who was a founding member of Guns-N-Roses. I'm not certain if the son was the gun or one of the roses, I'll have to check further into that story when the time is right.
Then I learned of Helga, the multi-multi-millionaire. Or was it Hilda? Either way, sweet, rich Helga/Hilda has lived in this apartment building for over 60 years! That goes without saying that this woman is old! If she were a tree she'd have about ninety-seven rings, but who's counting? Come to think of it, I've often seen a ghostly, white figure wearing a nightgown in the upstairs window while taking Mozie out for a walk, and this must be Helga/Hilda. I was beginning to think that I was loosing it and seeing dead people like the kid from The Sixth Sense, but I must just be seeing her. Sweetheart needs to get some sunshine on her skin or spend some of her dough on an airbrushed tan, because she's glowing and at certain angles she is almost transparent.
Oh and I learned that another famous actor with a drug problem lived in my apartment building in the 90's. I wish I remembered his name. Well, go ahead and just imagine a famous actor with a drug problem (as if that narrows it down!).
Anyway, with all of these new discoveries about my apartment building, I feel a little better about paying way too much in rent. I mean, come on, an apartment doesn't get much better than this! Mel Gibson, a miniature tiger, John Denver's chauffeur, Guns-N-Roses, Helga/Hilda, and that famous actor with a drug problem, ________ (please fill in the blank with your choice of famous actor from the 90's). All of these stories have added extreme character and value to this place, at least in my eyes. Ok, I'd better go and check the mail now. I may just stumble upon a Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupon addressed to Mr. Mel Gibson.