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Monday, October 13, 2008

I need some goggles.

I think I need some goggles to wear at work. The big, plastic, completely uncool, scientific goggles.

I just got a promotion at work, which means an office (with windows!). Today as I was getting settled in my new office, unpacking and getting all situated, I decided to take a bottle of air to the computer keyboard. I shot a burst of air into the computer keys and suddenly a cloud of dead skin, dust, and the nastiest scales that you could ever imagine shot up into my eyes. I have come to the conclusion that either a snake had been using this computer, or the prior user had an extremely rare skin disease that needed prescription-strength intensive, healing, and hydrating cream. Talk about unbelievably dry skin! I think I'd better soak my contact lenses extra long tonight to get all the microscopic skin cells off of them. And while I'm at it, maybe I should add a little bleach to the saline solution that I clean them in. Then again, that might cause a bigger mess than I have going on now.

The goggles also will come in handy for those business lunches where people are spitting large pieces of food out of their mouth. This happens all too often to me! The worst is when someone is talking to you and you are intently listening and nodding, and suddenly a large piece of their lunch flies out of their mouth and is spiraling towards you in slow motion and you don't want to act like you see that it heading your way and so you try your best to not appear nervous or disgusted and all you can do is nonchalantly brace yourself as it lands on your forehead. Then you have to leave the piece of food on your forehead for a few seconds as a courtesy, as if to say, "Did you just spit something on my forehead? I didn't even feel it, not even a bit! I'm not at all distracted right now. Please carry on."

I have just been reminded of a situation that happened to me that was more gross than the skin cells and more awkward than being spit on. Maybe I shouldn't even share it, but what the heck, I don't want to leave you hanging. At my old job I was talking with a client who obviously had a head cold, and as she was talking to me a huge bubble suddenly popped out of her nose! To make matters worse the bubble didn't pop for a few seconds and I couldn't help stand in awe and stare at it!

I'm sensing a theme and it's getting scary. I think I need to head down to the hardware store now and get some protective eye gear before something even more serious happens. Or if the goggles seem a little too obvious, I could always invest in a bee-keeper's suit.