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Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Stutters Conspiracy

Ok, this is getting ridiculous and I've had enough! Remember Stutters The Stuttering Cop, who pulled me over for no good reason less than a month ago? Well, I'm still planning on seeing him in court in a few weeks, but in the mean time the coward is having his Po Po buddies screw me over left and right.

First off, Stutters sent a cop in Beverly Hills to find my car that was parked on a legal white curb. While I was in the restaurant having dinner this cop painted the curb red! I didn't catch him with his overalls and paintbrush, but I will testify that when I had parked there the curb was not any shade of red. Ok maybe it was a salmony-pink, but that resembles white very closely in the dark of night. This officer also felt the need to issue me a 2nd citation because I happened to have replaced my front license plate with a Mercedes emblem plate. Punk. The real license plate is in my trunk, come and get it.

I thought maybe I was just imagining things, but no sir, tonight just confirmed The Stutters Conspiracy. I was pulled over again while coming home from work on a quiet, residential street in Santa Monica. This time I felt like I was on candid camera, really. Last time, when Stutters pulled me over and as I was awaiting him to approach the car, I was mad and confused and fighting back tears as visions of the mean ladies in prison flashed through my mind, but this time all I could do was shake my head and laugh as the officer approached. I know what's going on here. I'm not stupid. I can spot a conspiracy from a mile away.

A giant, white Tonka trunk with a huge grill made a weird honking noise behind me and then starting flashing lights at me. I was thinking, "Oh hellllllll no you don't, Stutters!" and I briefly thought of beginning a high speed chase, but I wasn't confident that my hair and makeup were ready for their big television debut. Plus I hear police helicopter lighting is extremely bright and it just washes you out. No bueno. (Side note. If I were to go on a high speed chase, I would be sure to call all my friends and give them a heads up that I'd be driving by, which would give them plenty of time to make a giant poster, walk to the nearest intersection, and cheer me on.)

Out of the truck hobbles Hobbles The Hobbling Cop. I'm sure he's BFFs with Stutters The Stuttering Cop. Apparently I hadn't made a complete stop at a stop sign. Thanks for pointing that out Hobbles. Yeah buddy, that's right, it's called the California Roll (much like the sushi roll) and it's very famous in these parts. Whatever. Not sure I can fight this one, so this may mean one point for Stutters, but the game ain't over son.

So anyway, this is my long winded attempt at making a legitimate excuse as to why you should not make fun of me when you spot me driving like a 94 year old grandmother. Extremely slow speeds, caution, and one hand on 10 and the other on 2 (I usually prefer 3 and 9) is the only way to put an end to The Stutters Conspiracy once and for all.