<$Jessica Helton, Jessica Helton blog, jess helton blog, blog, adventures and ramblings, adventure blog, ramblings, mozart, perez hilton, tmz, los angeles blog, los angeles stories, stories from la, city stories, funny stories, funny blog$>

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I can't do lovely.

You know how there are some words that you just can't pull off saying no matter how hard you try? Yeah well I discovered one today. "Lovely". It is a word I realized I have never used and cannot bring myself to use aloud in a sentence no matter how hard I try. It just doesn't feel right. "Lovely" feels horribly wrong to me, just like the mini sandwiches with seaweed and cucumbers and some far too gourmet cheese in them that are served at tea parties and bridal showers feel wrong to me. Who likes that stuff, really, deep down? Someone please introduce me to just one person that given freedom of choice would choose elegant tea party finger sandwiches for their last meal ever. Yeah, you know that's not possible. Why is it that just because it's a bunch of women getting together, there can be no good food involved? There is absolutely nothing wrong with throwing some more enjoyable and edible munchies into the mix. Instead, everyone takes one little mini tea cake and tries to act like it's the best thing they've ever tasted, but funny, no one ever goes back for second helpings. Think about it.

I've stopped putting food on my plate at these sorts of lady functions, because a) It's not good food and b)I have to wash each grueling bite down with a half cup of water. It's like taking a giant vitamin. So picture this. There I am at the beautifully set table, eyeing the tea sandwich that has been cookie-cut into the shape of a heart. It is cute and little and can fit in the palm of my hand, but I feel no love for it. I am mentally preparing for the first bite, with the sandwich in one hand and a glass of water in the other, and then suddenly I just go for it and take a tiny little bite while keeping a pleasant smile on my face and then with my below average acting skills I throw in a nod to the lady across the table as if to say "Mmm this is so so good! I've got to get this recipe!" and then I try to swallow it right away and to make sure it's down for good I chug a half glass of water.
This reminds me of when I was 7 years old and my dad video taped me trying to eat a bite of juicy cole slaw for $1. It's a great video, a real family treasure about 10 minutes in length, of me attempting to earn the big bucks. I think the name "slaw" psyched me out before the challenge began, and after a solid 9 minutes of getting my nerve up, I finally went for a little taste and tried to wash it down with a giant glass of water but I could not succeed. No George Washington for me. Not even for trying.
Back to the tea party, it is after 3 bites of the tea sandwich that I realize that I've run out of water and I have to get up for a refill and when I sit back down I calculate how much liquid I've consumed in a 5 minute period just to get this stupid sandwich down and I am reminded of the lady who entered that water drinking competition to win a Nintendo Wii called "Hold your wee for a Wii" and drank too much water without breaking to use the restroom and she died. Bad thought at a tea party, and so to be safe I have to excuse myself to the restroom 3.7 times during the remainder of the luncheon and this begins to get awkward. All this trouble and the little heart-shaped sandwich is only 1/8ths gone!
I give up. I don't like tea party food. Or tea parties because people always wear floral print sleeveless dresses and I prefer black. Oh well, I'll accept it. I can't do lovely.