<$Jessica Helton, Jessica Helton blog, jess helton blog, blog, adventures and ramblings, adventure blog, ramblings, mozart, perez hilton, tmz, los angeles blog, los angeles stories, stories from la, city stories, funny stories, funny blog$>

Monday, September 28, 2009

$3.99? I say priceless.

So I was thinking about those giant drug store sunglasses my grandpa used to buy and break. And buy and break again. (They were only $3.99 so no big loss.) These glasses are so multi-purposeful it blows my mind. Who wouldn't want giant eye shields that make you appear as if you're blind, wrap around your face and block all of your peripheral vision, not only protect your peepers from the sun, but protect both of your checks (the face ones) and a good part of the bridge of your nose, causing killer tan lines? Another benefit is that one suddenly becomes elderly-looking when they place the glasses on their face. Age is no more. Everyone is a sexy 74. What's that worth? Much more than $3.99! If only they had window wipers on them they would officially be the greatest glasses ever, but I suppose you could always use your index fingers. And besides, it never rains in LA.

I was driving through downtown and a car next to me in traffic was full of guys who I'm about 96.4% sure were active gang members but in that moment they weren't looking to harm, they were looking to flirt. These fellas were rough and tumble. (That sounds like something my grandpa would say while wearing the sunglasses.) The guy in the passenger seat rolled down his window and did that thing where you purse your lips and then tilt up your chin in acknowledgement as if to say "What up?" (Yes, you may take a quick break, walk over to the closest mirror, and attempt this for yourself.) I tried to reassure myself to look natural and not threatened, and it must have worked, because before I knew it I was performing the same hello, and with lips pursed, I threw up my chin and sent my urban greeting his way, as if to say "What up brotha?" Uh oh. Did I just do the gang greeting? I'd like to take it back. I really just wanted to ignore him, but I was more afraid of what not acknowledging him could cause. He probably had weapons in his backseat and I had Mozie in my backseat and that's just not an even match up. Mozie would flash his snaggletooth and the battle would be won. I sank into my seat and changed lanes to avoid any other gang related activity for the evening.
Awkward situations like this one happen all too often but I think I've found the perfect remedy- the drugstore, old people sunglasses my grandpa used to wear! Any uncomfortable predicament comes along and I can quickly replace my Chanel shades with these socially unacceptable, instantly aging lenses. Like bug repellent, but for humans. And yes, one day I will glue (ok, tape) these glasses to my teenage daughter's face.
$3.99? I say priceless.