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Monday, January 18, 2010

I Have A Dream

Like Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream. Every night actually. Yes, I have a dream and I also have a question. How can I make George W. Bush leave me alone? He visits me all too often in my dreams. Don't get me wrong, he's always very nice and respectful (unlike I imagine past presidents Bill Clinton or JFK would be) but come on, you spend 1/3 of your life sleeping and I just don't want to waste anymore precious time sleeping with him. I'm sure he will understand that I need to move on and progress.

I'm tired of feeling the guilt. For example, the other night I felt like I was cheating on G.Dub because I was randomly in a boat on a lake with Taylor Lautner from Twilight, which was really weird because I am definitely not a fan of him or that overrated franchise. And the kid is a little freaky because he had crazy chiseled abs at the tender age of 13 (google it). Speaking of Taylor and the tender age of 13, I think it's officially over between Taylor Hanson and me because he died in a dream I had last week. It was quite tragic. I figure this is symbolic and means I'm leaving my childhood obsession behind which is also quite tragic. (I mean- uhh- what? I left that Hanson childhood obsession behind a loooong time ago..I haven't seen them in concert in weeks..I mean, years..um I mean, what am I saying? I should just stop now.)

I won't mention all the other men because you might start to think less of me and I don't want to end up on TMZ. But I have to give a shout out to my personal favorite John Mayer (I can always count on him) and Conan O'Brien (which reminds me, he has been standing me up lately. The last night I saw him was over a year ago and we were at this photo shoot and there were fans- the wind kind not the people kind- blowing our hair around Next Top Model style. Very strange scenarios go down in the wee hours, I'm telling you.) I definitely don't want to mention the one-night stand with Mr.T. Oh great, I just did. Embarrassing. Don't judge.

I'm trusting you will keep this all to yourself because I'm not sure how tight you are with George and I don't want him finding out what goes on during nights he's not around. Or maybe I do want him to find out so he will end this once and for all. Besides, he'll be fine. He doesn't need me. He'll always have Laura and I'm sure they assigned him a few Secret Service Agents for life too.

So maybe this wasn't quite the caliber of the original "I Have A Dream" speech, and I've probably let you in on more than you should know about my subconscious and the crazy love webs I weave in my slumber, but just admit it, I kinda have you wondering who I will sleep with tonight. I can hardly wait to find out.